So after having a conversation with first myself, my cousin, and God, I've realized that if you want change you have to first have the desire... then second act upon it.
Life can be scary at times, in fact all the time, but you only have one to live. I have to be honest the past three years has been hell for me and I expect there to be many more trials before my rainbow appears. A lot of my trials had been sowed by previous bad decisions, as well as forces in which I had no control over.
Then again that's the story of life... a circle of joy and pain. A lesson each and every one of us must learn. The past three years has been a continuous test of my faith as well as a test of my livelihood. All these years I've been trying to please certain people, believing I've owed them damn near my life...only to find myself in ultimate confusion. No matter what I've accomplished, it was never quite enough. My friends, you must first seek God and do what is true to you, or else you will never find true happiness.
I have beaten myself up over these nuances but then realized I am only human. You can try to control everything in your life only to find yourself completely losing control. I thank God for literally saving me and giving me the little bit of hope I hang on to till' this day.
Like many others, I have been told I can't do it, I'm just a little person with big dreams, I've wasted my life, I'm not good enough, etc. If all these are true, why do I have this burning desire of the complete opposite? Why is it that complete strangers can see my vision without me saying, but the people I love or look to... try to destroy my confidence? I refuse to be angry with them because of my love.
I know I'll prove otherwise one day, but I realize now the devil is a liar. God put me here for a reason, and these hard times are allowed to unfold only to season me for my true purpose. My path is only for me whether I decide to go left or right, but my outcome will only be success. I've decided that and unlike before, anyone wishing me other than that, I will rebuke.
So as I ponder at split road on whether I should go left or right, I have more confidence now than I've had yesterday. My only apology is to the ones I've let down because I'm not who they wanted me to be but I have no regrets because I am who I'm supposed to be. I become wiser by the day and through the pain and loneliness I push through. I push through for me, for those like me, and for my future little ones who will need for me to just be. I am very grateful for all of my blessings but I refuse to carry the weight of another's regret and disapprovels....until next time.
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